Just Sharing ...

I just got done reading a blog from a old friend. I don't want to say I had no idea for his other feelings for the same sex, but at the same time, I wanted to avoid it. One reason, when I was younger I was so hung up on him. I would go to all my church dances to see him, and go to his house so I could be around him (and his family because they were my lifeline at the time), so OF COURSE I would never think that of him, EVER. Anyways, back in 2004 some people told me of his coming out and I kept thinking how much he must be hurting and needing someone. I didn't know how to get ahold of him, and eventually let it drift away, but I was always think about him and how I wasn't the friend I should've been. After reading his blog just now, I can really understand what he went through, and through the love of our Savior he was forgiven. He inspires me.

I'm currently struggling with obstacles of my own. We left Utah to move to Washington to, of course, be with my family so they can get to know Noah but also because of financial difficulities. Not having my own space, my own house anymore kills me inside. I feel like a failure and worthless. Also, for the past 18 months I have been very inactive from church. I don't want to blame it on my son, but in the beginning it was because being new parents and trying to juggle it all was a lot of pressure. Then post pardum depression hit me and I sometimes didn't want to move. Then, it was just easy to blow off church and do something else. I feel like a hypocrite and I get comments from people all the time about how much of a strong influence I was to their lives when I was younger and what a great testimony I had. I don't think I've born my testimony for over 3 years now. Also, I am not skinny. I know that is stupid, but it's not stupid to me. I have a wierd perception of myself and it all stems from my eating disorder that I had for so many years of my life. I wish I could explain, but you wouldn't understand unless you have been there and gone through it.

Why am I writing all this? I don't know. I guess I'm tired of hiding it. I hide so much of my feelings that it eventually boils over and I have anxiety attacks. I guess I'm asking some people to help me with my inactivity, and be there and be a support. I guess I'm saying things aren't always what they seem.

However, I know that my Savior loves me, and eventually I'll learn to love myself.

Melissa